i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
