Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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