The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
