I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
