Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
