sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
