hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
