john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
