I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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