Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
