Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
