I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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