after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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