saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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