life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
