how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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