I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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