i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
