Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
