I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
