some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
