they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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