I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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