So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
