And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
