I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
