You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
