They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
