Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
