I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
