he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
is wine microwaveable?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize