I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Someone shattered a urinal.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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