seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
