It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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