You just made me feel so damn special
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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