i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
