In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
