I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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