I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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