I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
