9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
