i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
