Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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