I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
