one two three fourrrrnication!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
