Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
