I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
