apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
