Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
