Swine flu. Run for my life!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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