I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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