im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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