I think I won the penis lottery.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
