i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
