Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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