yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
