I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize