Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
