I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
