Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize