Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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