I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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